【高分求批改作文】托福TPO11的综合写作.TPO11:Some people say that the Internetprovides people with a lot of available information.Others think access to somuch information creates problems.Which view do you agree with? 除了指出语

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【高分求批改作文】托福TPO11的综合写作.TPO11:Some people say that the Internetprovides people with a lot of available information.Others think access to somuch information creates problems.Which view do you agree with? 除了指出语
【高分求批改作文】托福TPO11的综合写作.
TPO11:Some people say that the Internetprovides people with a lot of available information.Others think access to somuch information creates problems.Which view do you agree with?

 除了指出语法错误外还要重点批改下文章的结构立意等.

【高分求批改作文】托福TPO11的综合写作.TPO11:Some people say that the Internetprovides people with a lot of available information.Others think access to somuch information creates problems.Which view do you agree with? 除了指出语
第一句的句式不错,可以设为模板.开头段没有问题.
第一段,make .could surf,把could去掉
severely affect 改为adversely affect
unhealthy staffs,是stuffs
play a bad impact 改成exert a bad impact
第三段,striped 改为 stripped
he did this just for a joke he 改为 they
too hard for us把for us去掉
最后unless那半句多余
第四段I am not trying to 多余
第五段telling ability不太地道.
大问题没有,立意,论述都ok,时间允许的话,可以再将2,3段论述加强一下,现在感觉development差一些.另外,你是不是考过gre的?感觉你的句子有点凑字数的嫌疑,表达要清晰,简短,最好长短句结合.
就这些了,感觉写的还是很好的.

我托福写作28分,可以发成绩单为证,如果你愿意采纳我的话我给你邮箱,咱们用邮箱改。double-edged sword一看就是电子词典查出来的,美国没有人这么说的I promise, 一般表现有好有坏像一把双刃剑都会说 Every coin has two sides。像中式英语能避免就尽量避免,因为评分员都是按照美国思维和表达方式来打分的。...

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我托福写作28分,可以发成绩单为证,如果你愿意采纳我的话我给你邮箱,咱们用邮箱改。double-edged sword一看就是电子词典查出来的,美国没有人这么说的I promise, 一般表现有好有坏像一把双刃剑都会说 Every coin has two sides。像中式英语能避免就尽量避免,因为评分员都是按照美国思维和表达方式来打分的。

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